Currently Listening From Under the Cork Tree By Fall Out Boy My Heart Is The Worst Kind Of Weapon see related

Now that i'm a bit less angry.... a little explaination of last post

I'm happy beyond reason that i'm getting my friend back... well kinda back. One of the best friends, hands down. I could tell that person anything, and i mean anything, it i always felt that the person was on my side, saw things my way. It was nice. It was really hard when we stopped talking, i lost an amazing friend that day. It was sad. Now that person talks to me... then doesn't then does then doesn't. What am i going to do? I have so many people to give up, never talk to that person again. I don't want to though. Would it be the smart thing to do? Yeah most likely, then i could move on and such things like that. But he's my friend, i don't want to completely stop talking to my friend, i can't do that. I still have to keep trying. Does that make me a bad person? No i don't think so. Does it make me a stupid person? Maybe just a little. I've been taught all my life to not give up, fight for what i want. And that's what i do. If i didn't, i would have never beame drum major, wouldn't have gotten a black belt, wouldn't keep marching even after 2 knee surgeries. So many things. Now it's like, stop, stop everything, just quit. That's not me, never will be.

i have no idea what to do anymore. And honestly, i don't think he has any idea what he wants. All he needs to do is tell me. And we'll go from there. But these games and guessing... that's not working out... It's sad, i do'nt want to lose my friend but... i don't know

So Sun Prairie Jazz Festival, third year and final. It came to me on the bus ride home how it was my last jazz festival. How sad is that? Then i realized how so many things were my last, last play, last musical, last Homecoming. It sucks. Don't get my wrong, love being a senior and can't wait till college... but it sucks looking back at everything as lasts. *sigh* well damn

ok, this part is going to be venting/ranting, if you don't want to read it, that's ok

URGH! What the hell??? HONESTLY! Do you think it's cute that you play these games with me? Cuz i'm sick and tired of them. Either it's one way or the other. You like me or you don't, if you don't, we can be friends but this whole flirty and talk to me then not to talk to me for like 2 months then talk to me again, yeah that shit needs to stop. If you do like me, well fine. Just tell me. Cuz i don't really need these games from you or anybody. It's not fair me or you really. I just need to know, i don't really think it's that difficult. urgh.

well i guess really that's it for the ranting/venting part. Not too bad i guess.....

honestly, i'm surprised that i'm writing in this again

so i'm finally moving on. I think about him less and less each day which makes me totally happy cuz i was hung up on him for such a long time. Even thinking back on it now, i still miss him and the time we spent together. But after all this time, i'm letting go, keeping the memories but moving on and looking foward. But out of the blue, he does something. And i go what the hell? It confused the hell out of me. Now maybe i'm overthinking things (i do tend to have that problem) but that's never happened to me with an exboyfriend. So i'm confused. And it pisses me off too. Cuz it's like, why the hell are you doing this right now? I'm getting over you, which is hard enough, and then you do something like that. And then when i ask, what's up about that? you don't answer me. I would have preferred that he never left that stupid comment and i could conitue on with my life. It's just something that i don't want to deal with. Now i have to wait and wait until he finally e-mails me back and explains his actions, and i've never been good at waiting. It better mean nothing, but i would still be mad that that he left that comment. Urgh. Stupid boy honestly! If it actually means something, i don't know what i'm going to do. And that scared me.

HOWEVER! So the boy that i was talking about before in my last post? Yeah, i think that maybe liking might be turning into liking. I just don't want to get my hopes up cuz i've done that before and i always feel like crap in the end cuz it doesn't work out. But for some reason i want this to work out. I don't know, i think i'm ridiculous a lot of the time. I should really start figuring out things in my life. Wouldn't that be nice?

oh xanga. how unused you are.

i know it's been forever. but here i am.

so far, Feb hasn't been too amazing and it's only the third. I have so much going on right now and so much more to do that i feel like i'm trapped. Trapped and stressed out. I'm never home anymore, which kinda sucks. I started teaching German on Mondays again. For some odd reason, i don't want to do it anymore. I'm one of those people that if i get it and you don't, i don't know what to do. I guess i expect people to just pick up things just as easy as me. however, that's not the case a lot of times.

jazz band is going pretty good. I couldn't have been happier than when we won Green Bay. It was my third year there and we finally won. It was such an amazing feeling. We've come such a long way since i first started in jazz 1. Good job band!

so... what to do about him. I might like him. And it's the biggest might in the world. He's a cool guy. i want to get to know him more cuz that's the right thing to do. However. there's a huge problem. Well.. not huge but a very large concern for me. IF something should happen (which i highly doubt), next year when i'm gone at college, he would still be in high school. I've had that happen to me and try as hard as you can, long distance relationships just straight up suck. I don't want to put anyone through that. In the end, everyone loses. Hate to say it and sound harsh but... i don't know. But it doesn't really matter anyway cuz it's not gonna happen right?

I'm excited beyond reason to be going to Michigan Tech (not a tech school, it's a 4 year college). What i'm not excited about it being so far away from everyone. And I mean everyone. Family, friends... everyone. I know i'm going to get a great education from there and get a crap load of job offers but... i'm out in no where land. I'm sure i'll make new friends and stuff like that, but i wish i was at least an hour away from someone not 3 or 4 hours to the closest person. It sucks, it really does. I'm going to miss so many people next year.

i guess that's it. I'm surprised with myself about how much i wrote. I think i'm going to start using this more. getting stuff out and stuff like that.